I used my toy/masturbated today for the first time in sooooo long and can officially orgasm again 🥳 I still haven’t had sex tho since ????? and I’m not even gonna lie…. I’m kinda nervous for when I do (probably and hopefully very soon) 😂 it’s like I’m a virgin all over again. Luckily that’s not how it works though and I’ll probs be fine lmao. But damn, my anxiety really came back
I’ve had a WEEK! A longggg week… but an overall good one :) I had to switch to a new medication again, but think I’ve finally landed on one that’s gonna work!! It’s literally only day 2, but I have no side effects (yet… 🤞🏻) and woke up feeling more level than I have in awhile. And it takes 6 weeks to fully kick in, so it should only get better & better 💖
Other things that happened this week:
•My rats have mites and my dog has ringworm lol… that’s been fun to treat… good thing I had energy
•I hung out with 2 friends. I’d kinda stopped socializing for awhile, so that was long overdue and nice.
•I went on a fun little datey date one night
•My sex drive is slowlllllly coming back. I might’ve fibbed a little when I said it was the other day. I started getting in my head about if I was oversharing too much and turning you off. I’m sorry if that’s the case, but what can I say… it was a sad, horny-less month for me and no, it didn’t start coming back until a few days ago… but I’m for real for real now… my sex drive is coming back!!!! Yay!! (Is this something I don’t admit? Eek)
But yeah… I think I’m on the up and up!! I think….
I can’t believe not a SINGLE person has ever guessed my one remaining secret kink 😅😆 soooooo many people have come here over the years and read about my kinks, and not ONE !!! If anyone guessed it, I’d admit it too
Ps: it’s nothing illegal lol, just not common… apparently (& I’m happy to know it 😭)
Small update… that medication I was trying took a turn for the worst and I had to abruptly stop taking it :( Been going through withdrawals in bed for a couple days and started up on a new med at the same time. This one is supposed to show results (or lack there of) sooner than the last one, so I’ll keep you posted 🤍
I spent like 3 HOURS editing this 😄🙃 I’ve said it before and I’m sayin it again… I love vlogging and editing, but pls be brutally honest if you guys just aren’t into them. I’d rather not do them and put those 5-6ish hours to just taking nudes or something else that you enjoy more!!! <3 (There will be more nudes too though obv. I’m just a chatty girly sometimes who can’t stfu hehe, so these are easy and fun… when I’m in the right mood)
I just spent hourssss doing an activity (not that exciting of one ngl) and filming one of my vloggy things for u!!! Will try to post tonight. I’m in a moood
YOU GUYS!!!!! I FEEL GOOOOOD TODAY!!!!! okay, maybe not THAT ⇡ good, but soooo much better than the past week! i’ve felt better, emotionally, but i actually had a little energy today. i was out of bed for 9 hours straight (sad achievement, but an achievement nonetheless…) and was productive. and i feel kindaaaaaaaa… a little bit… maybe… HORNY!! ahhhhhh, i’m feeling hopeful. how are you? 🤍
ps: i also found myself at a sex shop today and got another clone a pussy AND nipple sucker things?? hahaha idek, but they look fun and maybe they’ll feel good…
This feels so inappropriate to post. My life’s so weird 😂 but the details of a pussy kinda fascinate me. Like it’s so intricate lmao. I’m in a weird mood right now. I feel like everything I’m saying is so strange and like, my perception of the world is different today. Not good or bad. Just weird. I can’t explain it, but I feel… strange. That’s besides the point though… not talking would probs be best, so I’ll hush up now lol. I hope you like this pic I took for you <3
i’m pretty sure i’m overdue for an essay-length overshare that no one asked for!!! but at this point, with how little i post both here and on instagram, i’m telling myself that anyone still here really likes me—maybe because you relate to some of my struggles? maybe not, but let’s go…
so, i briefly mentioned this in my last vlog, but i went off the medication i’d been on for 9 years (it stopped working), and tonight is night 7 of my new one. long story short: this sucks. long story long: the first 2 days were awful (flu symptoms, burning feet?!), but luckily, that went away. what hasn’t gone away is the constant drowsiness and extreme lethargy. i haven’t left my bed much… not that i ever do, but this week has been next level. worst of all… my sex drive is gone. is it okay to admit that on here??? i know “pornstars” are supposed to be horny all the time, but this one isn’t… not right now, at least :( it sucks—for my relationship and for onlyfans/you. it’s hard to write about kinks or anything more than what i’m writing right now when i’m not actually horny. i don’t really know what to do about it. but i do know i haven’t been okay for a long time (deep depression), and even though i can handle it, i don’t want to. so i’m determined to at least see this through before quitting and trying something else.
my sex drive will probably come back when i’m in a better headspace (that’s what i’m telling myself haha). the sucky part is even if this med works, i won’t see results for 4-6 weeks. chat gpt (my new therapist hahaha) told me there’s a 50/50 chance it will help. if it doesn’t, i start over with another med, more side effects, and the cycle repeats until something finally works. my last med was the first one i was ever prescribed, and i hope i’m that lucky again.
i also recently (as in a couple years ago lol) learned my last med was only for mania, meaning my depression has never actually been managed. and i didn’t take it consistently, like… at all. so yeah, i’ve basically been unmedicated forever. that explains the way i run my page. hypomania = super active and optimistic. depression = mia for months. i genuinely don’t think i’ve ever been stable. but i’m ready to take my mental health seriously now. for real. so fingers crossed for me, plsssss <3 and i hope you take your health (mental and/or not) seriously too!
i got cut off bc of insufficient storage, but it’s prob for the best lol… 2nd thing i wanted to discuss though, is why i haven’t logged into OF since i got my account back 4 days ago. in summary: i suck (not in a self deprecating way. it’s just a cold hard truth… but a temporary one that i’m actively working on 😆)
thank goodness i already so much great content on my wall to keep u busy whenever i’m away!! (glass half full, right!)
ps: sorry i don't know how to put a tripod at the right height
hiii im sorry to those of u who were on live w me earlier who i just left hanging w out any goodbye... i got distracted and well, u know, imma mess. but that was rude D: tomorrow i will send the long term subscriber vid i still owe some of ya... and try to chat and all that. i am making no commitments other than 2 or more pics for all of youuuu + sending out any paid for ppvs/those vids + any tips from u nice humans who've been left sitting for way too long :( ... but my ✨hopes✨ are high for even more
for now though, i need rest.... so goodnight!!! i hope yours is nice and sleepy ❤️
I'M BACK, I'M BACK, I'M BACKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (if u didn't notice, i lost full access to my account for 3 days) omg... there aren't enough words to express how happy i am. update & pic(s) coming soon ❤️❤️❤️❤️
i got a candy lingerie set. like you know those necklaces that you eat the candy off of? it's that with a "bra" and "panties". i wanted to do something w it for v-day, but forgot haha.
i feel like it would be hot to eat the pieces off one by one until i'm fully naked. but that's gonna take a lotttttt of time. probably take pics and then put it all together with a little bit of talking or something fun at the end. maybe a dildo. who tf knows.
i know a lot of y'all hate commenting, but i'm just looking for a yes or no 🙏 or i guess only like it if ur interested
ps: sorry for all the poll type posts... i'll be posting more pics again very soon!! just have to take em. that's the plan today
should i wake my partner up w a bj.........??? it's 2am and he has work in a few hours so i'm lowkey afraid of rejection lolol.... BUT I'M HORNY 😭 (unfortunately my horny hours are 2-4am haha)
idk if this is weird to ask u, but im new to this whole relationship & sex thing 😂 sooooo... would YOU like it if it were u and u were fucking exhausted? lol i need u to decide for me! thanks <333
ps: we've discussed this & both given each other consent. he's actually encouraged me to try but i haven't yet because like i said, i'm not a fan of rejection lol
should I send out my BJ vid as a ppv? i'm reading comments on posts and chats now and see a lot of you saying you will love whatever i send out, but like.... i do NOT look good. go see the short clip i posted... that's the hottest part... but i'm down to send it out if y'all really don't care. but like... i look icky to me and know i can do sooooo much better. so decide for me: do i send this shitty bj vid as my first bj vid just so it's not another 6 months till i film one... or do i wait?
ur girl needs a good fucking NOW seriously im so horny lol
i'm sorry my posting slipped for a moment!! like, not THAT sorry (come on, i'm otherwise killin it pretty damn hard lately. and i'm not trying to be a daily poster 😜), but still a little sorry!!! i've been thinking nonstop about how i want to post, but refrained because i got into that whole "i suck major dick (the icky kind, not yummy) for posting without chatting for so long again" anxiety spiral. but who tf would choose no posts AND no chats over posts and no chats? oh well, at least this was a 2 or 3 day lapse, not a 2 or 3 weeks!!!
(news flash: that entire paragraph was me rationalizing with myself to feel personally better, not because i feel i let anyone down... this time 🫶🏻) i'm mostly keeping it in because i spent an entire 15 minutes it to be coherent. unfortunately, making it short & precise would take another 18 minutes, at the very LEAST, so that's not in the cards today, but i still put in the work to get you this ranty nothing paragraph and it's here to stay hahahaaaa
ps: i'm super horny... did i mention that? haha, it's too bad i don't sext on here 😭 i might reevaluate that decision one day but i don't think the door is open to that atp, so that day will not be today. anyways... i'm off to use my bestie (my womanizer toy) and then i'll hopefully sleep for 10000 hours (give or take would suffice). i need it!!!!
pps: i'm a rat girl again!!! this is not some weird, sexual innuendo... i got 3 pet rats who are all super cute little baby girlies and i'm a happy lil rat + dog mama (this is a very heavy responsibility lmao) 🥰 rats make me happy. i don't have names though, so please share if you have any ideas! one is cream colored, one is black body, white tummy, and the third is white body, black head. i wanted to think of sexual innuendo names, but the only one i can think of is lil debbie because i love creampies for the cream rat. and that's my only idea... hahaha.. but i want to follow a theme
oof... i might've been a tad bit dramatic yesterday. love that for me! i'm very much okay though, just fyi :) my brain's been wired this way my entire life and i **usually** handle the lows very well!! "very well" meaning i'm not a safety risk to myself and i can distract myself, not meaning i'm able to hide my mental state 😂 we're clearly still working on that!! returning to reality after a manic episode is always pretty hard, but i move on fast enough.
but, uhhhh... anyways... let's move on RIGHT NOW actually 😝... pls recommend fun things i can do/try to get a man ~excited~ & in the mood..!! i wanna try new stufffffff!!! this is my time to shine
also thank you so much to those of you who sent kind & thoughtful replies to my post 🫶🏻 they actually made me feel a lot better :)
I hope these cumshot pics will cancel out the lameness of the caption ahead ♥️🤞🏻
Sooooo, the verdict is in!! This past month was, in fact, mania (actually hypomania, I just say mania). NOT me magically becoming a new person who's happy and full of energy all the time!! I'm extremely embarrassed that I put this on display for everyone AGAIN. I honestly really don't want to be telling you this right now, but I know I wouldn't be able to hide it for long. Showering is already feeling like a major chore again. Plus I know that some of you can relate and like hearing about my experience. But I just wanna know why I keep doing this??
what's that quote about doing something over & over and insanity?? my symptoms have always been completely textbook and my friends even recognize mania now and tell me. Yet 10+ years after my diagnosis, I still can't believe/accept that this is for life. It's managable, but not curable.
As always, I'm gonna do everything I can to keep that momentum going and working on real change. But quite frankly, I do nottttt feel great. And I'm disappointed I didn't seize the moment to catch up on chats. I really wanted to, but focused on other things I've been avoiding since I thought things were different and I had time.
Ugh this sucks and feels like a bunch of excuses, and no one wants to hear this, and I'm only venting not trying to gain pity. I always thought it was desperate and sad when girls post crying pics and I don't think typing and posting these overly personal details for hundreds, over time thousands, of people to read is really any different :/ But this oversharing my life thing also feels like a bit part of my page. It's not what I wish it'd become, but I quickly found that it's the only way I can do this and not hate it.
So if you see me start to slack again, pls think back to this incredible month we just had and enjoy that content for a minute while I survive this wave 😂😭 Manic me just gets sooooo excited when I have new content that I can't help but share it all with you immediately. Hence the 40-50 posts this month. It's fun in the moment and then it completely fucks me over later when I lose the energy. Like that literally coulda been a whole fucking month of content for me. Super cool, super dope, just great stuff haha
Imma wrap this up now because this is depressing af & I apologize for that!!! I'm completely okay :) I hope you are too (maybe a litttttle better than me, at least) and having a nice, easyyy week 🥰
