i’m pretty sure i’m overdue for an essay-length overshare th..

i’m pretty sure i’m overdue for an essay-length overshare that no one asked for!!! but at this point, with how little i post both here and on instagram, i’m telling myself that anyone still here really likes me—maybe because you relate to some of my struggles? maybe not, but let’s go…

so, i briefly mentioned this in my last vlog, but i went off the medication i’d been on for 9 years (it stopped working), and tonight is night 7 of my new one. long story short: this sucks. long story long: the first 2 days were awful (flu symptoms, burning feet?!), but luckily, that went away. what hasn’t gone away is the constant drowsiness and extreme lethargy. i haven’t left my bed much… not that i ever do, but this week has been next level. worst of all… my sex drive is gone. is it okay to admit that on here??? i know “pornstars” are supposed to be horny all the time, but this one isn’t… not right now, at least :( it sucks—for my relationship and for onlyfans/you. it’s hard to write about kinks or anything more than what i’m writing right now when i’m not actually horny. i don’t really know what to do about it. but i do know i haven’t been okay for a long time (deep depression), and even though i can handle it, i don’t want to. so i’m determined to at least see this through before quitting and trying something else.

my sex drive will probably come back when i’m in a better headspace (that’s what i’m telling myself haha). the sucky part is even if this med works, i won’t see results for 4-6 weeks. chat gpt (my new therapist hahaha) told me there’s a 50/50 chance it will help. if it doesn’t, i start over with another med, more side effects, and the cycle repeats until something finally works. my last med was the first one i was ever prescribed, and i hope i’m that lucky again.

i also recently (as in a couple years ago lol) learned my last med was only for mania, meaning my depression has never actually been managed. and i didn’t take it consistently, like… at all. so yeah, i’ve basically been unmedicated forever. that explains the way i run my page. hypomania = super active and optimistic. depression = mia for months. i genuinely don’t think i’ve ever been stable. but i’m ready to take my mental health seriously now. for real. so fingers crossed for me, plsssss <3 and i hope you take your health (mental and/or not) seriously too!