Is today a Tuesday?
Boy, you wouldn’t know it, the way I am barely getting myself together to pretend I’m 🦝human🦝 at noon-thirty and then posting pictures of myself to the internet like I don’t have a job I’m supposed to like, you know, show up for sometimes.
Someone remind me to start working out again because it helps keep my brain from slowly poisoning me and I could really use a break from that right now.
If anyone is wondering how I’m doing, this is a pretty good representation.
I am in hell, but I also have been in hell for so long it’s kind of just… funny now? I vacillate wildly from feeling like I have superpowers and I’m capable of whatever I put my mind to and feeling like nothing I do remotely matters and there is never going to be an end to the compounding, oppressive nightmare that is and has been my life and that the only way to win the game is not to play.
I don’t have any answers. I certainly don’t have a plan. But when I do get to a place where I think that opting out of my subscription to being alive is a viable solution, I always angle myself in the direction of “if that’s the case, then there’s no reason for me to not do whatever I want regardless of perceived consequences. There’s no reason not to do something risky that could wildly change the trajectory of my life, which I hate anyway. There’s no reason to not do something impulsive and bizarre because what could possibly be the down side if I already want to be d-e-d dead?”
Which is how I end up cry laughing while considering spending $200 on a handmade puppet that I had only become aware of 5 seconds earlier.
It’s been a rough month. I should’ve have known that posting every day to OnlyFans was going to be nearly impossible with people staying at my house but here are a few photos I snapped at times when I remembered to do something for it and then immediately didn’t post them because my memory is trash when I’m chronically stressed (so weird).
The good news is I got my first round of property taxes paid like an honest-to-gosh adult and I get to immediately do it again because time is fake and rules are made-up and where I live is a jerk about things like this.
Any-dang-way, I have been lowkey recovering from having house guests for the better part of a month (it was really great having them here, but it’s nice having my space back), but work has been the most chaotic, headache-inducing nightmare and my sleep and nutrition have been garbage and my mom ended up staying the night here last night and I have to do a bunch of stupid Dad things this weekend and
I do, in fact, have plans for OnlyFans content but I am barely keeping myself togetherrr right now so. You know. I know you know. We all know.
k you’re great and I appreciate you and I’m glad you’re here kthxbaiiiiii 😘
I could not write my life if I tried. The twists! The turns! The drama!
👏 I 👏 do 👏 not 👏 understand 👏 why 👏 everything 👏 is 👏 like 👏 this. 👏
I stayed up for the better part of like, 42 hours Monday/Tuesday and learned some things about myself but also it was for another nightmare project that I took on thinking it was going to alleviate some of this property tax stress I’m feeling.
Nope.
I don’t think it really did me any favors at all. I’m not even sure I’m going to get paid at this point, and once again, I am adding another name to my list of people I will not help because they made my life harder and took advantage of my time, energy and willingness to do thankless, gross things.
But that is also to say that every moment this week has been monopolized with nonsense and stress and so I have not done any better with posting here.
✨surprise✨
Oh hello
Guess who is incredibly busy and distracted and also very very bad with the concept of time? (also please enjoy the bruises on my leg from moving other people’s stuff because I just can’t not take on dumb projects that other people want nothing to do with)
Also, just fyi because it has impacted me even though it was not… exactly a surprise, but my aunt passed away on Friday. I already knew that my intention to post to OnlyFans every day was optimistic, given just ✨who I am✨, but adding that I have my friend and her two kiddos staying with me for most of July and also now this on top of all that was already! going! on with me! is just… you know. More. More more more more more more more.
I am doing okay, mostly. Actually saying that word seems nonsensical, but I really am in a tolerable space right now. I am hurting from the loss of my aunt, but it sort of just folds into the ongoing grief I’ve been feeling from the loss of my grandmother in Nov. 2015 and the loss of my grandfather in Feb. 2017, particularly since my aunt passed away from combined aspects of both of their deaths. It also adds another layer to my age-specific anxieties that take a lot of will power not to let consume me, but. Being par.a.lyzed by fear and overwhelm now doesn’t keep me from being par.a.lyzed by degenerative diseases in my 60s. 🤗
Any-dang-way, it’s July 10th and that means I have ~21 days to try and earn $2000 for my first round of property taxes so please let me know what you would be willing to throw your money at and/or/and I’ll just start filming some stuff to post since I found my toys again in my attempt at unpacking.
I appreciate you. Thanks, once again, for sticking around.
I’m actually feeling somewhat positive today. I don’t have any answers, I don’t know what to expect most of the time, but I feel pretty okay about the direction things are headed right now.
It’s nice. 💕
The last two days have been back-to-back me trying to get things done to prepare for house guests but also try to go back to my normal life that is everything but normal while simultaneously having to once again try to balance my own needs/projects/problems with other people’s and feeling like I just will never get a break.
I don’t have anything sexy to post to make up for today/yesterday unfortunately. It’s Tuesday and I am already completely wiped out and that seems like a problem.
The good news is I got my daily driver detailed today since I’m lending it to my friend while she’s here and got the truck part I ordered installed with minimal issues so hopefully this is the thing that will make my truck run smoothly again/for once.
The bad news is that I have two other vehicles that belong to my father also at my place that need detailing so I can sell them, but also they both still have studded snow tires on them so driving around in them the past two days has been stressful, to say the least.
I am falling asleep as I type this so hopefully any of it makes sense but at the very least, good night and I’ll see you tomorrow. 😘
This is not what I was intending to post today, but I am so completely depleted from the past three days (of not at all doing anything I remotely planned) and still have a lot to get done tomorrow - I’m basically going to try and cram a weeks+ worth of projects into 24 hours. WHAT COULD GO WRONG
(the videos give you a sense of what I moved into - the sellers literally did nothing at all to clean the house and every square inch is saturated in grease or cigarette smoke)
I am chronically exhausted from endless stress dreams and my skin has been breaking out so much worse from stress acne than anytime in the past year and now I’m perpetually fighting the urge to compulsively scratch and pick at my skin. Wheeeeeee
There is a small light at the end of what I think is probably a tunnel? It’s hard to know for sure because I’ve been in the dark for so long
good night 💋
I know I technically missed a day. This might be the norm, if I’m honest, because my life never! stops! being! a mess!
Also full disclosure: I have ✨no idea✨ what kind of content I’ll be posting on a day-to-day basis. It is entirely possible that it’s going to be weird sometimes, or just straight-up nonsensical, and very probably not sexy at all.
Which means to say, you’re probably going to get to know me rill well. 😜
I’m open to doing custom content if anyone has a particular request they’d like me to fulfill. I’m not a legit cam girl-type with a menu though so send me some ideas and I’ll NeGoTiAtE with you. I’m not stuck-up or judgy; don’t be shy. 😘
