Hey all... I've had a bit of a breakthrough recently, so her..

Hey all... I've had a bit of a breakthrough recently, so here's me dumping it before I lose the good vibes! Might be a little long, so here's a belly update from this morning as compensation - still 285 lbs after a couple months' break! And there's a tldr summary at the bottom.

So recently I started trying out my partner's e-cigarette with w_ed cartridges to help my anxiety as I work on freelance art... and not only is it super beneficial for the anxiety, as I adjust better to it, it also has the side effect of making me feel bottomlessly hungry, like eating everything that isn't nailed down and somehow still incapable of feeling full... it's basically turning into my horngry drug with a side-effect of anti-anxiety, and lately I can't stop thinking about what it would happen if I combined this crazy new appetite with the access to junk food and permission to indulge that I gave myself a few months ago...

So... I think I'm gonna try some stuff again, and since I feel bad about disappearing on people who paid here, I'm gonna make my OF free for a while and see how I like it.

My anxiety was so bad in February and March I started having a lot of acid reflux again, and money was too tight to do more than an occasional stuffing if somebody bought me a gift card or sent me a big tip (if I didn't have to spend it on bills right away), and I knew I probably needed a break... but I also felt bad for letting people down who were really really supportive! So I was just kinda stuck for a couple months, which is whatever since I needed a break anyway. But I'm really sorry to people who may have been disappointed by my lack of content. I hope I can make it up with a backlog of posts I've been building up, and a couple specific challenges that I owe to a couple of wonderful supporters, like a 10k calorie day for starters~

I've been lurking my feedism Tumblr a lot ever since but haven't had the courage to post anything again... until last night when I realized how consistently I felt the urge to get back into stuffing & gaining pics again whenever I smoked, and figured today I'd say something while I was riding that afterglow. As much as I tried to deny it, a big part of my second-guessing myself has been anxiety about my visible weight gain... I suddenly started getting a ton of stretch marks on my lower belly in February that surprised me, and made me feel really self-conscious as other vaccinated friends have talked about going to the beach again when summer got here (which it now basically is summer) But lately, as I sit here feeling blissed out in my munchies, it hit me that feeling like i need to lose weight just for one (1) beach trip when I feel so happy otherwise would be stupid. I'll just wear a shirt if I still feel self-conscious about my stretch marks. The pandemic isn't over yet, who gives a fuck, right?

My partner and I are finally fully vaccinated too now, and not only is that a big load off our shoulders, she's kept dropping hints over the last few months about how much she likes my belly and gotten more handsy, and expressed that she was not opposed to helping me out here and there with photos, maybe the occasional video... so that's definitely still something I want to try if either of us can work up the nerve for 👀

So yeah, I'm thinking I'm gonna see about hitting that goal of 300 lbs again, albeit slower. I'm still at 285 lbs, same as when I last left off, and 15 lbs sounds so small to me now after putting on ~30 in a month and a half. I've got most of a bag of mass gainer left, and another bottle of those EatMor appetite stimulant capsules (not that I need them - the w_ed really does a ton to kick my appetite into overdrive hehe) Aaaand my partner offered to bake me a few entire cake mixes we've had sitting around from my amazon wishlist, and maybe help me eat em💦💦💦 (Which, by the way, I've refreshed my wishlist a bit with snacks that would help me along my gain or worked well with my routine in the past! https://www.amazon.com/hz/wis… )

I'm gonna try to get back into lifting too so I'm happier overall with how my body feels, but mostly I just kinda wanna have fun with indulging again. The pandemic isn't over, why not go ahead and hit my goal of 300 lbs while I have an easy time giving myself permission?

Also, I'm not going to attempt to treat this as a monetized side-hustle anymore, gonna go ahead and share my tumblr-safe stuff to tumblr, and any spicier stuff here... I'm just gonna do it for my own gratification whenever I can comfortably afford it, or when people enable me with tips or wishlist things~ I've got a ton of pics I never posted that I'm gonna sort through, any feedback def helps encourage me to keep going!

BUT YEAH TL;DR making this OF free and starting back up on gaining to 300 lbs more casually! Just gonna encourage people to like, comment, and tip on the kinds of posts they want to see more of, and to check my wishlist for clothes or foods you'd like to see me make a photoshoot out of! Feel free to send me prompts for things to wear or try out, too, and if i don't feel like putting down the $$ to grab em for myself, I'll put them on my wishlist! Here's to 300 lbs~ 🥂