hollyelizaveta posts

there are images I can see and surfaces I can touch, no matt..

there are images I can see and surfaces I can touch, no matter where I am in the world, every airport, every hotel, every metro station, every office building, what can I do? go back in time and secure a future? the fear of being alone grips me, not because of solitude but because of money, closing the cafe alone at night, the unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved by one person in thirty minutes, I lost weight (but never enough)

2024-10-15 17:40:00 +0000 UTC View Post

There is something I want to tell u but I can’t so I will ju..

There is something I want to tell u but I can’t so I will just say…

2024-10-14 19:22:56 +0000 UTC View Post

I heard myself telling them that I love to help people. I ju..

I heard myself telling them that I love to help people. I just love it. I can’t get enough. I just love to help and help and help until I can’t help anymore but I will still try. I will listen and listen and listen until all I can hear are the wings of a pigeon beating in my ear. They nodded and smiled as I told them this and they typed little notes into their laptops. A smile is an item for sale and I am selling mine, selling selling selling selling selling. The supply never ends because I am a conscientious and reliable girl in the world.

2024-10-12 17:31:14 +0000 UTC View Post

I did not feel so bad when he slapped me. I felt quite bad w..

I did not feel so bad when he slapped me. I felt quite bad when he told me to meet him in that bookstore and then as I stared at a first edition of Breakfast at Tiffany’s he texted me to say he had gone home. I did not feel bad when he told me to do my job. I felt very bad when I dragged the heavy bags of rubbish down to the bins at the end of the alley. I felt bad when he asked me to wear my sexiest lingerie. I did not feel bad when he said he was watching me. I felt bad when I was alone in the afternoons and a long line was forming. I felt bad when he showed me how to make coffee despite my already knowing. I felt bad when I had to smile for nine hours. I did not feel bad when he pretended we didn’t know each other. I did not feel bad when he told me the price of the hotel rooms. I felt a little bad when by accident I picked up his phone instead of my own. I did not feel bad when I asked for a second drink. I felt bad when he texted me and asked me to remind him of the price to pay. I felt bad when he remembered his real life. I did not feel bad when he was agreeable. I felt bad when I was asked to stay longer. I felt a little bad when he gave me a gift. I felt bad when I received emails addressed to me that were meant for somebody else. I felt bad when it was summer and the cafe had no air conditioning. I did not feel bad when he didn’t listen. I did not feel bad when the bed remained made. I felt bad when I could not speak. I did not feel bad when I lay there in the languid early evening with nowhere to go.

2024-10-09 17:33:33 +0000 UTC View Post

sorry sir

sorry sir

2024-10-09 17:03:28 +0000 UTC View Post

putting on my apron and my stockings, do u like my uniform? ..

putting on my apron and my stockings, do u like my uniform? it tells u that i am being good, i am doing my work, i have a place to be, i am in my place, u can define me... let me know if u can tell me who i am...

2024-10-09 16:04:05 +0000 UTC View Post

When I wake up alone in a room that is only mine. I work on ..

When I wake up alone in a room that is only mine. I work on my bedroom floor all night. When I am on a train to Paris. My hair is clean and I wear the same black outfit over and over again. A friend tells me he has touched himself while looking at my self-portraits. When I drink something with gin in it. The man at the post office listens to my question without interrupting me. A dog pushes his nose into my leg on the train. When I decide to not buy the beautiful long red dress. I leave early. I don’t dream. I hail a black cab without even thinking about it. The money is received with no negotiations. I consider a past mistake and I don’t wish I could go back in time and change it. When I remove my clothes from the dryer and fold them slowly. When I take a bath in a hotel. The purple orb appears above my third eye when I pray. I wrap a gift with tissue paper and a ribbon. I sleep naked. I wear white socks that get dirty when I step in a puddle but I don’t cry. Play a note on a piano. When I listen and don’t respond. I say no thank you. When I make it to the pharmacy and back all by myself despite being in agony, wrapped in a big coat. I moisturise my entire body after showering. When I let some papers collect messily and sweetly on my desk. Blow out a candle. Buy wilting flowers from a supermarket and revive them. When a man texts me to tell me who he thinks I am and I feel amused. My head aches from caring and working so I wash my face slowly. When I make the lights very dim.

2024-10-07 17:02:36 +0000 UTC View Post

I considered my options… sweet silent girl, ruthless girl, n..

I considered my options… sweet silent girl, ruthless girl, nurturing girl… “do you respect those people?” yes, they are the only ones who have ever given me something I could really use. I was happy to belong to another person but god decided I hadn’t worked hard enough yet to earn true love. deplete, disappear, demure, decorate…

2024-10-05 19:56:07 +0000 UTC View Post

I’ll be honest w you, I felt resentful, I resented those shi..

I’ll be honest w you, I felt resentful, I resented those shiny white surfaces, white shows the dirt and the dust, I resented every single person who could afford to put me in their home, that’s just how I felt okay, let me feel it

2024-10-04 21:23:03 +0000 UTC View Post

what do u want to know?

what do u want to know?

2024-10-04 20:00:51 +0000 UTC View Post

disappear

disappear

2024-10-02 17:41:51 +0000 UTC View Post

Satisfaction

Satisfaction

2024-09-29 18:14:08 +0000 UTC View Post

I decided to remember who I truly am and get a real job! It ..

I decided to remember who I truly am and get a real job! It can be good to work in a physical way, to make your body really feel something. My body worked hard when it was at a desk, it worked hard when it was in love and it works hard now. When you lie in bed at night and your body aches, that’s how you know you really exist. Dealing with the messes made by other people can be tiring but to be completely honest with you, I’m good at it. I’m good at improving your life. You might not even realise I was there; you’ll look around and suddenly everything is a little brighter and quieter and easier. How did it happen? Well, the best employees make themselves virtually invisible! I’m looking forward to the future. Future of humility, future of safety, future of dignity.

2024-09-29 18:10:57 +0000 UTC View Post

Let me know

Let me know

2024-09-23 16:38:43 +0000 UTC View Post

i don't know anything about u, i know everything about u

i don't know anything about u, i know everything about u

2024-09-17 16:45:03 +0000 UTC View Post

connect or disconnect both bring me to a late nightin wealth..

connect or disconnect
both bring me to a late night
in wealthy streets
i am only ever hopeful
i am only ever a lamb

2024-09-17 15:25:04 +0000 UTC View Post

I would love to forgive you but I can't, I am in the big whi..

I would love to forgive you but I can't, I am in the big white bed of the city, you are watching me

2024-09-16 20:13:03 +0000 UTC View Post

reconciling the opportunity for freedom with the knowledge o..

reconciling the opportunity for freedom with the knowledge of futures and difficulties

2024-08-24 16:34:26 +0000 UTC View Post

The world is a veil The world is an almond The world is an i..

The world is a veil The world is an almond The world is an invitation The world is a stairwell The world is an acrylic nail scraping tears of exhaustion from a powdered face

2024-08-14 15:12:38 +0000 UTC View Post

prepared, sweet, accommodating, observant, quiet, clean, dis..

prepared, sweet, accommodating, observant, quiet, clean, discarded

2024-08-14 15:09:20 +0000 UTC View Post

u have it all, u are greedy in the afternoons

u have it all, u are greedy in the afternoons

2024-08-14 15:05:23 +0000 UTC View Post

try to unlock it, start over and over and over again to be t..

try to unlock it, start over and over and over again to be the perfect... perfect sweet girl. erased myself into the bin x100. renew with the hope of a rose. plastic breakable lock. the bravery is so small, so embarrassingly small, sorry, but still, i think, i am doing it, the girl...

2024-08-13 10:28:53 +0000 UTC View Post

everything is beautiful, then u remember, who will help me, ..

everything is beautiful, then u remember, who will help me, i will have to help myself

2024-08-03 16:59:06 +0000 UTC View Post

days seem to pass quickly. i am tired and my skin is moistur..

days seem to pass quickly. i am tired and my skin is moisturised. my white towels are covered in make-up stains. i feel like i drink endless drinks all day, a huge glass of water and coffee in my bed and then coffee and lemonade at the library then another coffee then coke zero in the park and a lot of water then some wine later and more water maybe tea. my room is so hot. outside is a relief. i see a family of foxes from my window, playing in the piles of dirt in the evenings. a bed has never been as comfortable as this one.

2024-08-03 16:58:06 +0000 UTC View Post

hollyelizaveta