I had yet another rough day today, fucked up family shit (i removed my post about it from last month, but if you know, you know.)
Which means I’ll be scrambling all weekend to get everything done before March begins.
I want to make a video for the feed tomorrow after I get my hair done that’s easy on the eyes and on my soul, pure motion and fully present. No over thinking, no storyline. Just release.
Which sounds best to you guys?
I made an attempt today despite fucking up royally the other night :3 slide to pic 3 if you want to see the pathetic state of my bum :/
I’m currently trying to drop a few lb’s and it’s happening quick, and I don’t want my ass and tiddies to sag (more than naturals already do)🥺
So I have to
A. Make sure I do strength training and
B. Keep my skin in good condition
So I bought a body dermal roller (like a rolling pin with spiky tips) and went to town on my ass and tiddies
And I did not realize
That it would look like my ass got mistaken for a cat scratcher :| I do it on my face with a smaller tip and I’m red after but look fine by morning 😭
Some of those marks are from my sheets, but...you get the idea.
I still made some content today and hopefully it looks fine tomorrow O_O filters helped >.>
https://onlyfans.com/112562116/siegexxx
Never mind 🙈
Maybe next month!
If you tipped on the post ima send you somethin hot for bein a real one 😈
And tally you down on a list to get the show recording when we’re able to hit goal!
Lady time will be over tomorrow and I’ll be back to posting, I’m usually wrecked for at least 5 days so 48 hours isn’t too bad 🧐 I started taking herbal gummies to help, and while they didn’t make it any less painful, I was definitely trapped in a shitty mindset for much less time so I consider that a win 👏🏻
I’m going to post a full-length throwback on the feed for you guys tonight, tell me which one you want💗
Today is clean and organize my whole life day 🙈💗
I’m going to my sisters after to help her clean her place and set up some furniture too, wish me luckkkk🥵
My onlyfans task is to clear my inbox and send out snaps before bed tonight, and new content tomorrow 😌
Sending the 1 hour stream with 2 Amazin’ orgasms as a DM for everyone who missed it💗
Thank you so much to those of you who came out and spent tonight with me 🥰 I’ll stream again next weekend💗
Good afternoon 🥰
Thank you for clobbering yesterday’s goal! 😳😳
I’m almost certain I’ve DM’d everyone, but if you still haven’t received a link from me please do message a little *bump* to go to the top of my inbox!
I’m about to have lunch, take my meds, play some apex, get prettied up, make all my snaps, make a GFE video+ photoset, and then I hope to be on stream around 8-9 PM PST for about 2 hours ^~^
See you there? 💗
79/100 VIP’s so far !!
Adding fuck machine content tonight 🙈
25$ for the video if you’re not on the VIP list 👀
Was going to be 15$ but tbh it’s too fire for that and your girl has major catching up to do 😈💗
https://onlyfans.com/106081981/siegexxx
Holy snow day Batman O_O
This all popped up overnight! @.@
Anyway, can weeeee TALK ABOUT HOW WELL MY PSYCH APPOINTMENT WENT?!
I got new meds to finally address my executive dysfunction and RSD/inbox avoidance due to adhd and I took my first dose and already feel so much better .-.
It’s not my first rodeo with them, but it is the first time I’ve had my adhd needs legitimately addressed and prescribed properly to me.
My anxiety and depression have always stemmed from feeling like I can’t do the things I want to in life because my brain just works differently, it makes consistency so hard, and I set my expectations so high that I end up failing and then fall into avoidance to self-preserve 🥺
A vicious cycle, really.
Staying consistently on my meds will keep me from falling into pits, and that’s exactly what I need to be the best version of myself.
I’m so ready :’3
I’m not putting all my eggs in this basket just yet, and I can switch things up if I need to, so that brings me a lot of comfort.
If I can function the way I did last may-July when wellbutrin was working it’s best for me, then that’s good enough for me.
Siege 2.0 comin’ in hot 😈 🔥
I’m doing computer and inbox work for the rest of the evening, and then tackling my closet and setting aside sexy outfits so I can get it out of the way and have a clean slate to film tomorrow.
Making a fuck machine video and a GFE riding v-day video tomorrow, as well as treats to fill the feed all weekend💗
I might not stream on twitch until I’m a little more stable on my meds/put-together, but I’ll definitely be makin an appearance live here Sunday evening 🥰
Okay, I think that’s a lot of updates for one post but I had to share :’3
Love you guys 💗
Xoxo siege
Thank you guys for the pep talks earlier v.v
I ended up getting spring rolls and watching portlandia to cheer myself up 🥺
Then I edited content from last night and now I’m on photoshop compiling a list of all my videos with screen grabs/run time/ and a small description for the people who always ask or returning subs who wanna know what they’ve missed and I never have a good graphic to give them 😭 I’ll pin it up to my page as soon as it’s done💗
Anywho, enjoy this throwback to peaceful bath time last night~
Sending out pics and BJ/tiddy fucking snaps to VIP list finally💗 I’ll DM it too for anyone interested in a lil tease before bed ;3
Also thank you guys for joining February VIP ^O^
We already have 63 members out of my 100 member goal!💗💗💗
Sending out bath clips and vids tonight since I stayed out last night watching ouran host club 🤣
Waking up early tomorrow for some good quality and sunlit nudes for the feed as well, finally back into my morning routine as well 🥰
I hope you have a good evening! Xoxo
Seven more VIP members til goal ^O^
If we make it I’ll send you some bath time pics tonight as a lil appetizer ;3
https://onlyfans.com/106081981/siegexxx
Pussy wet spot right before I started filiminggg >.> too excited.
Pussy pics and the other 20 something photos being sent to dec/Jan faves and as a DM for everyone else who wants to see 🙈
I need one more day to sleep and get my house together and I’ll be back to the grind, sorry for the delay
I hadn’t slept more than 5-6 hours a night since last Thursday so it’s hitting me like a brick now 😴
Thank you for the loves and patience 🥺💗
Dumping some travel clips and pics💗
Going to be blogging here more because it’s good for me and I’m free to do so now.
Driving for the last 5 days has given me so much time to think and process everything that’s happened in the last few months.
I might still share an extended edition, but long story short, one of my biggest goals in life has been to spare my siblings the same suffering I’ve had to go through.
I felt very powerless to help them once I left home, I could barely take care of myself, didn’t plan on living very long, all of my pleas to my mother to help them were ignored, denied, and I’ve cut her off repeatedly throughout the years because it made me feel so sick and sad to see her lie to the entire world about the state of her children, pretending things were perfect and desperately seeking admiration.
I started therapy in September and have been reprocessing everything, and had the full realization that my mother has Narcissistic personality disorder and will most likely never get better.
Knowing this has been a relief-to put a name to all of the pain, and to connect with others who have been through the same. I’d never wish it on anyone but it’s validating as hell to know that there is a textbook definition for what I was put through, and that there’s a way to heal from it.
I always knew things were wrong and being away from it was the only thing that made me feel better.
But in that self-preservation and fear, I had to succumb to the helplessness and just hope that I’d have another chance once they came of age and could leave and not be controlled by her.
It’s been weighing on me since I was a teenager, so much guilt and shame on my shoulders. Every single day I’ve thought about it and carried the fear that my siblings would take their lives when they processed what she’d done to them as well.
Some things are too sensitive to talk about, but one of the biggest issues is she took all of my siblings out of school to “homeschool them”, and then just...did nothing. They were little sponges full of wonder and eager to learn and she ignored them every day and put them in front of the TV while she sat on her laptop doing HER schoolwork, going 80k into debt for HER degree at thirty-something, meanwhile in the crucial development stages of my siblings lives they were left to rot.
Mind you, she’s now a T H E R A P I S T (trust no one).
They are all over 18 now and none of them have education credentials. They are all emotionally unstable, feel like they have nothing to live for, feel dumb and socially awkward around their peers (their words). They were extremely isolated, they weren’t really around other kids until their t 33 n years and by then were developmentally very behind.
Both of my brothers had learning disabilities and never received the help they needed for it.
My sister is smart af though, she taught herself to read and lived online so she’s the most well adjusted, but because of her self-awareness she’s the most depressed out of the three.
They witnessed so much violence growing up, so much Jekyll and Hyde abuse from my mother.
I always had hope that the lie she was living might eventually come true.
That she’d do the right thing and everything would change.
It dawned on me t wo years ago that she never would, and I haven’t spoken a word to her since. It was too painful.
This is all the tip of the iceberg, I cannot stress that enough.
I was what’s known as the “scapegoat” of the family, so once I was out of the house the abuse I endured didn’t trickle down, they were simply neglected and used by her.
All my mother cared about from then on was how she looked to other people.
My sister and I reconnected in October after I had been in therapy for a month and I had the guts to respond to her text and tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for not responding for a year...
We ended up FaceTiming for hours and keeping in contact, and I learned just how bad things had been since I moved out.
I learned things so unforgivable that it shook me to my core.
It wasn’t even my trauma and it made me feel like I could not continue on, knowing what I knew.
I’ve had time to move on, to become my own person, to stuff my own pain down.
But I could not live with my sisters pain.
That night I asked her if she wanted to come live with me and we started making a plan.
I got her a resource for therapists, found an education center that could help her get her credentials, and applied for an apartment in my building as her co-signer so she could have her own place.
I started investing money and saving more and doing what I could to keep myself afloat until my sister was safe and out of there and I could confront my mother finally.
A million awful blow-ups have ensued on and off toward my sister while we kept our communication private.
My mother has gone through all of my sisters belongings and phone, tracked all of my social media including my onlyfans (what kind of sick fuck does that to their kid??) and it has been so violating and nauseating.
That this 45 year old woman is treating me like a petty enemy when I’m just trying to protect my sister and do for her in a year what she couldn’t do in 18.
I’m not trying to be her mom, I’m not trying to make my sister choose, but I’m making sure she has a chance to start her life and start healing early on so that she doesn’t have to be in pain for as long as I was.
It feels like a fresh start for both of us and it is so, so important to me. Probably the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done in my life.
We’re finally in Oregon and I feel such a release and like I can breathe.
Like there is room in my brain that has been crowded, yet blank, for so many years. That pain took up so much space.
Manifesting as so many different ailments.
And now I finally feel like I can move forward with my life.
To know that she’s safe makes me feel safe.
My youngest brother can’t be helped until he decides he wants help, but I’ve offered it. I’m ready whenever he is. He has Crohn’s disease and is on the spectrum so I don’t know if he’ll ever feel like he can actually be independent in this world. He’s so angry all the time and I hate it because underneath that he is SO funny and so sweet and I miss him dearly.
When I look at them I still see them as babies, I can remember them in every stage of growing up and it makes my heart ache. I try not to think about what could have been.
I will never speak to my mother again in my life.
The confrontation I’ve needed to have for 2 ye aars no longer feels necessary. I’ve said all I need to indirectly via my social media.
And aside from that, I’ve done what I needed to. And that’s the only thing that would have healed me.
A narc will never truly hear your words.
I will never have true validation or empathy from her.
And that’s just something I’m going to learn to live with.
I’m going to reconnect with the people she isolated me from.
I’m going to be more vulnerable with the framily I’ve built for myself.
I’m going to put myself out there and not be afraid.
And I’m going to keep building a life that is beautiful, and meaningful, and true.
I know I’m more than capable now.
I think there will be several more phases of grief I’ll have to face in the next few months and probably periodically for the rest of my life, but I’ll be okay.
I’ve never believed that before.
Thanks for reading if you got this far, I know you probably didn’t come here for some big tiddied bitch’s trauma, but this is important to me and I want to live my truth, no matter where I am.
My heart goes out to any of you who may also struggle with parents or former partners with NPD.
A lot of people can be “narcissistic”, but to know someone who truly has NPD is a completely different ballpark that only those who have experienced it will know.
They say the average time span to heal from being abused by one is ten years if that helps put it into perspective.
Anyway, I don’t care who you are or where you came from, I have so much deep appreciation in my SOUL for you.
Because I wouldn’t have been able to do this if I wasn’t financially stable. It’s what finally got me therapy, which has increased my self worth, courage, and is the only thing that could have brought me to this point.
I’ll never be able to say it enough, thank you guys💗
