I want to get straight to my point…If we don’t have flexibil..
Added 2025-03-04 15:47:12 +0000 UTCI want to get straight to my point…
If we don’t have flexibility in our ANS - the ability to down & up regulate - we’ll miss countless opportunities for true intimacy with our lovers.
I see this constantly in relationships & $3xual dynamics:
one person is anxious & stuck in sympathetic
& the other feels like
‘hey hi I can’t feel you here with me’
..bc when we’re stuck in that state, we can’t slow down enough to feel subtlety.
We can’t attune to our lover’s body, bc we’re disconnected from our own.
True intimacy gets missed.
(If we never learned self-regulation, we’ll struggle to coregulate, & our $3x will suffer.)
We end up touching our lover like WE want to be touched (we can’t hear their tissues),
using their body as a means to get somewhere / accomplish something,
wondering if they like it too,
WHILE simultaneously feeling self conscious about being too selfish.
Familiar?
Now, bringing preference to intimacy is needed —we want to share our desires & turn-ons/offs—AND
we need curiosity about our lover’s blueprint, clarity on “Who is this moment really for?” (see Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent), & awareness of where our maps intersect.
But if we’re stuck in fight, flight, fawn, or freeze, our erotic experience will be limited.
The good news:
$3xuality is the most powerful vehicle for ANS flexibility & healing.
..the most efficient & effective way to reset.
It rewires the brain & body by speaking directly to the brainstem (hello, neuroplasticity),
The key is curiosity, attention & presence.
This creates attunement.
Which creates the experience of really truly SEEing & BEing with someone, & ourselves.
This is vulnerability.
And that, creates real intimacy.
We need ANS flexibility for that.
