Part 14Today was one of those tough days I don’t even want t..

Part 14

Today was one of those tough days I don’t even want to think about. My mood reflects that, and in this moment, I felt the need to continue sharing my story about depression.

If you missed the previous parts, you can read them below.

After moving to Poland, I felt relatively good, like things were starting to fall into place.

It was March.

But by December, I was hit again by a horrible wave of depression.

I decided to focus on my Instagram because my paintings were barely selling, and the money I had saved up was running out. I took several courses on promotion and started working, but nothing seemed to work. My Instagram was stagnant, and there were almost no sales.

I filmed videos and painted every day, but after three months of constant work, I burned out. I felt down and somewhat insignificant. I thought I was a complete failure. I watched as girls making silly lip-sync videos, with no meaningful content, gained millions of views and earned money from their blogs...

All these comparisons and failures really took a toll on me.

You know, I’m the kind of person who takes everything to heart and worries about literally everything. It’s probably why I fall into depressive states so often — I’m scared I won’t achieve anything…

In that December, I remember deleting Instagram, turning off my phone for four days, and then not leaving the house for about twenty more days. Sometimes I tried to paint, searching for my style, trying to come up with something new, but then I’d quit again and cry endlessly.

That’s how almost a month passed.

Then, one of my small paintings sold. I remember standing at the post office, preparing to send it, and my phone kept buzzing with notifications. When I stepped outside, I saw that one of my videos had started to gain views, and my audience was beginning to grow. It was such a joyous moment, I walked home feeling inspired and full of energy.

You can’t imagine what that meant to me. I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a way to work for myself because I have a huge fear of working with people. I experience such strong stress that sometimes, from anxiety, I literally can’t speak or end up saying complete nonsense.

And then, when you risk everything and start doing what you love the most, and you see the results of your hard work, when people respond to your creativity and support it, it’s an incredible feeling. I felt like I was soaring, like a butterfly, and I just wanted to create without stopping.

That’s when the real changes began, one of my most important transformations.

To be continued…