Hello my lovely Cosmianauts, I appreciate everyone's patien..

Hello my lovely Cosmianauts, I appreciate everyone's patience with my updates and I realise I almost died twice this year so I'm soso sorry if I worried anyone I didn't remotely mean to go radio silent I just went through some trauma inducing shit and almost entirely shut down I've been trying to write this update for weeks but kept hitting panic attack walls. I've been really struggling the last few weeks but I also know I'm still okay all things considered. I'm safe, I've got a roof over my head, and I've got people that love me which sure as heck shouldn't be taken for granted these days. I'm so grateful for your support and I hate feeling like a broken record but it really does mean the world to me. My rehab and recovery has taken a lot of unexpected turns and some big setbacks (especially thanks to that mildly terrifying pandemic were in the midst of) but overall I want to let everyone know I've definitely made some progress over the last few months. Despite the setbacks and roadblocks I have been working my ass off! I finally got my weight out of teh dangerously low range, I can manage showers without help, and I can stand/walk on good days for a few seconds at a time without my walker (which is huge, I cry some mornings bcs I'm just so happy I can get out of bed and to the bathroom on my own now haha). However that progress has come at a huge cost of putting every ounce of energy I had into my care (it's takes hours just to even manage appts/meds/tests/research etc) and so some things just got cut out bcs I wasn't strong enough or healthy enough to manage it all. I had to stop going on social media entirely and I wish it would have been a planned thing so could have done it gracefully with an eloquent explanation but one day I realized it kept giving me panic attacks and I just couldn't even open the app anymore. Obviously wanting to be connected and help people and not being able to is fucking awful. My mental health had already reached some of my worst levels ever and that sure as frak didn't help. And on top of it I am so terrified of disappointing my fam here that my brain completely shuts down when I try use a little bit of my precious limited functional time (only a few minutes a day) to work on things. It's stupid and illogical but mental illnesses don't play by fair rules. It got so bad I just shut down. I had to have my friend on the phone with me talking me through paying late bills bcs I was so incapable of basic things. It's horrible to realise you can't do simple adult stuff, the guilt and shame is huge. But I know it's not my fault and I just keep trying to remind myself of that. Somehow having a slew of physically ailments made me feel like my mental ones were less important and easier to "push thru" lol toxic as all heck that mentality. Please, if you have any mental illnesses too do not let your brain convince you it's your fault or bcs you're not trying hard enough 💕 I wanted to be better by now guys, and I had gotten my hopes up I would be, so it's fucking tough. I feel like I'm letting my supporters down but logically I know it's not my fault I'm still so sick I need to lay down after feeding my cats, and I'm doing literally everything humanly possible to get help enough to not be disabled. Im quiet not bcs I've forgotten about you, exactly the opposite, you're all oft on my mind but I just don't know what to say bcs I don't want to be a downer. Like "another week of migraines I wanna jump off my roof lol sorry I can't stare at my screen long enough to find nipples, much grump, much sad"? But just know miss you all so fucking much. I'm fighting every damn day just to survive, but bcs of you I'm also fighting to become a version of myself that can be creative again in a fulfilling way and give back to my supporters. Putting a smile on people's faces (&/or boners) has and will always be my purpose. I always emphasized my cam shows and ClaraLand being a meowgical silly place where we all leave our troubles at the door and I want to have that again someday but right now I'm just too disabled to not share this part of my life with you guys right now I seriously don't know how to express what it means to me that you've stuck around Esp with how crazy the world is right now. I'm not going to be well enough to make regular new content for awhile yet but I have a lot of never seen or vault content I'm going to get help getting out to you lovelies I've been working with a couple of friends that have agreed to help me with content (one of those earlier mentioned setbacks was a friend of two decades that had been helping me w work dumped me then ghosted when I opened up about how much I was struggling mentally 👌) and I'm so grateful and hoping to have some damn good Xmas themed content I hope you're all doing as well as can be expected during this ridiculous hell on crack year, and I'm really looking forward to being able to spend more time with you all when I'm more stable PS PMs are incredibly difficult for me right now bcs of cognition issues and anxiety, but I'm doing my best to work thru them and if I owed anyone anything I will extend membership and get it sorted. No hares here just a disabled stubborn as fuck lil tortoise, life stopping things happening in a timely manner but bloody hell imma get there eventually