TW: mental health lows, anxiety & depression, loss Tldr, ha..

TW: mental health lows, anxiety & depression, loss Tldr, had a rough time, trying to catch up safely whilst taking care of my health, I miss everyone loads and appreciate you so muchhhh, BDAY LIVE SHOW TUESDAY (13th) AROUND 5PM EST, new tradition of posting a free nood to the feed to celebrate coming back after having to take a lil time off for a health flare (creating those positive associations so I feel less down on myself like a boss yo) Hey loves, My flare from the Valentine's live show was not the best and then my mental health freaked out really badly so its been a struggbus few weeks. My back spazzed a bit worse than I had initially thought but I struggled how to let you know without anyone feeling badly about the show bcs I had a great time and I don't regret it. And I don't want to discourage yous from suggesting fun things during shows! And also considering I spent half this yr bed bound and haven't even streamed in a yr I still handled it way better than I thought I would 👌 My limitations are always changing and the only way I can learn how to not go past them is by making mistakes, and learning more about myself. So with this I learned for where I'm at now I can't do 90 minutes of streaming even if I split it up... But that doesn't mean I give up! It means maybe next time maybe we try two 30 mins or one 45 min... Try some different It's all trial and error but I'm determined to get there and figure out how to do live shows in a safe way for my health. I hope you'll keep experimenting w me, high five for sexy scienceeee! I've been working rly hard in my health and experimenting with different set-ups and such to make my bday show as safe as possible so mark your calendars bb bcs my bday is coming up, IN FIVE DAYS (Tuesday, but originally when I wrote this it was 5 weeks away, siiiiiiigh, we tryin) and you can hecking bet your butt I wanna do a live to celebrate (a couple weeks ago my RMT said my back is still too messed up so I'm only allowed to stream again if I don't stick my butt out so I have been super careful and working rly hard on physio to try and get her all clear for booty fun hehe 😈) Anyway, physical side covered but just as I was starting to get up on my feet recovering from the show flare I had some rough family issues hit me as well as worsening mental health it was just bad timing all round. It also coincided with the 2 yr anniversary losing a good friend which I didn't realise till after was just making everything way worse. It created a crisis I didn't even know I was in till I noticed the only way I was able to partially quell panic attacks or being frozen by anxiety was w that big S ideation (have to be careful about how I say stuff, but we all know what I mean...) and I'd been doing it for over a week just trying to push thru before I realised how much I was struggling. It's the one mental health thing I couldn't shake an ounce of stigma from for myself yet so it's probably the most uncomfortable thing for me to talk about or share (I would literally rather perform a 30 minute spoken word and interpretive dance about my worse bathroom experiences while getting stung by bees) but I'm making myself bcs I know for a damn fact the shame and stigma around mental illness Esp related to the big S is fucking dangerous. And I also know that most chronically ill people have S ideation at some point, yet its rarely discussed. So I don't want to concern anyone, I have looped a couple friends in and I will reach out if it gets worse. But I'm sharing bcs there's good chances someone reading this can relate and I want to make it clear there's nothing shameful about feeling at the end of your rope, and I'm not special, if I can share or reach out so can you, even if it feels impossible, it's not 💕 I've been writing this post for almost 5 weeks now (I keep having to reedit this like a millions served McDonald's sign bcs of how long it's taking to write lol), I haven't had very much functional brain time and even when I did I struggled trying to figure out how and what to share. I want to be open with you guys so you understand more and we can build a closer community here but at the same time I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I need a lot of things but pity is never one of them heh. Snuggles, snacs, and orgasms yes definitely need, but pity no thank you! 💀 Question for you tho, I've been posting lil updates to my story (as well as some bare nippies hehe), have yous felt in the loop enough with that or would it be helpful to do lil update post summaries on the feed too in case you missed story? Right now my anxiety makes it incredibly hard to keep updating once my flare or crisis has run longer than a couple days bcs I have all this pressure jumping on me about not letting people down or losing important people bcs I failed to deliver, but I am always trying to get better at it. It just feels silly to even talk about being a grown ass woman having a panic attack trying to tap on her message button 🙃 and even tho I know that's internalized ablism and mental health bullshit stigma... It doesn't make it any easier lol but just to be clear no one has gone off on me, quite the opposite you have all been so lovely to me, almost all of this is just my mental illness spinning reality wonky, but even if I know that it's not always enough to fight with, but I'm trying my best and I just hope you can continue to be patient with me (and yourself/people in general were all going thru a freaking lot rn) Anyway I keep getting feedback you love the smutty but you want more life updates and silly bits too bcs you miss it (and the Cosmia kitties hehe) and that just fills my heart 😭 so I'm going to try and remind myself of that when I feel like I'm just being a downer... my brain constantly tells me not doing an update is better than another depressing one (bcs then maybe people can imagine I'm doing okay) whilst also telling me people would just think I'm being lazy and they're gonna be disappointed in me. I try to speak back but sometimes that voice is just too loud, but I know I'm gonna get to a place eventually I'll barely even hear it most of the time, and for now hearing kind words from you all really kicks its butt, thank you 💕 I'm still working on PM's, as I've said in the past I fucking love getting to know you better, and getting a lil extra naughty in there but my brain thinks it's hilarious to turn it into a mental health Mount Everest so it's a fucking challenge and a half currently but pls don't think it means I don't care 💕 I mean kinda the opposite rly it feels like I care too much and keep feeling not well or stable enough to handle conversations and content the way I feel everyone deserves! Hoping I'll be caught up soon, but just FYI I do reply to tip ones first so I may still have some I haven't gotten too in a bit so hold tight Also I had wanted to be all caught up before my bday but obvs life didn't quite go according to plan so now the order is bday content, Valentine's show naughty extras, elf w Rose vids, and then some Valentine's sets (like Jessica Rabbit and Deadpool) and I actually sneaked a peek at the clips I took after the feb show and they're mega hot, better late than never for dirty content right?? PS if you missed my story a bit ago I'm implementing a new tradition to help me feel more positive about flare recovery just being a part of my life (& not shameful) and that's to release a noodz to the feed after recoup breaks! So now you guys get a silver lining to my flares too! Like "oh did Clara work too much and have to take a few days rest? Well I'll miss her but I'm not mad about the extra nood from it 😈" hahahah