I've kept my story up to date but for anyone that hasn't see..

I've kept my story up to date but for anyone that hasn't seen them here's a little catch up over the last couple weeks 💕 Happy new yr my lovelies, lil late but better than never! Haven't been able to post for a bit but I really did my best to post updates to my story a lot even if they were a bit depressing so hopefully if you missed me, seeing my face in my stories helped at least a bit 💕 been working in this update post for awhile so read on if you're curious, that's the long answer lol, the short one however is just if I go radio silent assume I'm in a bad health flare and I've had to spend all my daily energy (spoons) towards symptom management and taking care of myself so the flare passes as fast as possible as I can return to my fabulous job of making quality smut! So anywhoodles yea, If you saw my story or twitter you know I've been having a rough time. I wasn't recovered fully from 3 of my illnesses flaring badly when I got my 3rd shot booster vaccine and when those side effects layered on top it threw me into a horrible hellscape. My pain levels were so high I couldn't move without sobbing, and I was so fatigued I don't really remember much of the week after, I could barely manage to eat a whole meal before I'd have to lay down for hours to recover. It reminded me I used to be that sick everyday and even tho logically right now I knew the cause was the vaccine I also know that my current level of pain relief relies on a web of so many tenuous delicate threads that just the fear of my health getting that bad again long term, knowing I couldn't make it through again, it really fucks with you. Speaking of which my mental health has not been great to start with so that on top was just too much. I've been in shutdown survival mode, it took everything in me just to open twitter and shit post so the algorithm doesn't bury my account for ages again lol all the whilst having my brain tell me I'm a waste of space for not being able to do more bcs ofc But as tradition dictates since I was non consensually laid out, here's a fun lil noodz at the end! We started this traditon a year or so ago (does anyone remember the original post?) to help encourage healthy recovery without guilt bcs bam psych shit! Check the noodz tag for more info if you're curious as to why/how it helps but basically it's neural reprogramming (w noodz) by taking something I would have felt guilty and down on myself for, lkke having to take time off for rehab(even tho it wasn't my fault), my brain tells me everyone is going to hate me for letting them down... but if I come back w a nood everyone's happy and I side track the anxiety a lil 🥳 As many of yous know on top of a few debilitating physical ailments (roughly so far is migraines (vestibular, stomach, and hemiplagic), IBS, POTS, EDS/Hypermobility, MCAS possibly and a couple other things) I also have anxiety and depression (who doesn't these days tho amirite? Woof) My anxiety is an awful beast when playing with its new bestie depression, especially around health and my work. It spirals extra hard after I've had to hide under a rock for a few days focused on survival. Bcs then I'm even more behind than normal and even though logically I know I had to recover I still feel like a failure for "doing nothing" (even tho that's just Internalized ableism bcs keeping my body alive is doing A TONNE of work, it just doesn't contribute to society in a way capatalism deems useful therefore we're told it's not productive) And I see all the awful things going on to ppl like me everywhere and it's so overwhelming and terrifying. Everytime I see someone in close quarters without a mask they're basically saying "I'm tired of this pandeemics restrictions and I don't care if it hurts you or ppl like you" it's so fucking exhausting. I know I matter, but some days I'm the only voice telling myself that so it'd easily drowned out 😞 On top of that just knowing I have so very limited methods of supporting myself in this fucked up ableist pandemmy society and that I am so so lucky to have my community supporting me here actually causes more panic. My warped brain takes that and twists it so far that I have a panic attack opening the page bcs I'm so afraid to lose it or fuck something up and let ppl down bcs I wasn't well enough to work yet. If I push through a flare I shouldn't be pushing through then I end up making loads of mistakes and that's terrifying. Gah it's so fucked up that feeling so grateful yet terrified of letting my Cosmianauts down actually is a fucked up self fulfilling prophecy bcs I inevitably lose subscribers everytime I have to take a few days off for health and more the more radio silent I am bcs of the anxiety (around messing something up if I dont wait for a good brain day) the more ppl leave but bcs mental health is a nasty fucking beasty being aware of that doesn't help me stop it happening at all it just makes me feel worse of course 🙄. The ableism again going 'well if it's in your brain pan just will it better!' tho logically I know full well that's the equivalent to putting a person in a gym once and expecting them to come out shredded. Truama/mental illnesses are just injuries in your mental side rather than your physical side, and just like physical needing changes over long periods of time for results (eg months of diet and training), so does mental. And it's so so easy to forget bcs we're constantly blasted with the message that our mental health issues are our fault (bcs we didn't eat enough kale and tan our taints or something) when that is the opposite of the truth. I'm not saying we don't have control overall... But we can't control our initial thoughts, only our thinking patterns and our actions. But if those last two are different long enough then the brain starts to rewire to give different initial thoughts finally. It wasn't really till the last few years it's become accepted that brains stay capable of change through our entire lives, not just when developing like previously thought.... Okay enough about neuroplasticity I've gone off in five tangent rambles now lol , but I hope maybe this was edifying in some places hahs or helped you feel a little better about your own struggles, but if you have any questions or want to know more about anything just comment 💕 It helps me immensely with feeling valued to know I've helped my community even in just a small way Anyway these flares are still kicking my butt, but working on stuff for you all and thinking about our next live is helping carry me thru the extra rough days. Thank you as always for supporting my whacky antics and being patient with my mercurial bodily functions 🥰 PS if you're not sure how to respond when I'm venting about a bad day just validating it is all I need, like wow that sucks, or that sounds like it was rly hard, hope it passes or eases up etc stuff along those lines keep it encouraging without making me feel like it's my fault I'm not better sooner. It's also nice to hear any similar experiences you've had if you're okay sharing (I make sure my platforms are safe spaces to the best of my abilities, and I'm proud to say my community is super kind and supportive of each other as well I've never had anyone respond negatively to anyone else being open on the contrary I've even seen a couple irl friendships form which makes me so soft 🥰) PPS obviously this this unexpected health stuff really mucked up my Xmas content drops so I hope you're still in the holiday vibes for when I can get them out asap haha but if you're over xmas they're still super fucking hot so I don't think it'll dampen your enjoyment much I must say hehe PPPS https://onlyfans.com/235017256/claracosmia if you wanna see more of me in the blonde hehe