As some of you may or may not know, I've been doing this for..

As some of you may or may not know, I've been doing this for awhile now. And you may or may not have known I've typically used this side of my Internet presence as more of a journal/place to vent about things i feel i can't tell anyone. Maybe i could but i just don't have it in me to seek them out, so instead i journal or i post it to here. It's been awhile since my rants have been apparent here, but here goes nothing.

I'm happy, depending on the day. But that comes with my mental diagnosis. It's a par from the course when I've been dealing with my mentality forever. I make good choices for myself, have goals and a future ahead of me. But it all comes crashing down on me when i come to the realization that i truly think the person I'm supposed to be with, died a long time ago. Every person I've met in my life romantically has been the worst person for me and my mental health, time & time again. So it won't come as a shock that I've been single & celibate for 4 years now, no one's shown that they wana be in my life and to be quite honest I've avoided people at all costs which has lead me down a very lonely and touch starved four years. I've been the happiest and most at peace I've ever been, yet I'm longing for a human to share it with. Even when i talk to people, because trust me I've tried, there's just nothing there from me. I always believed in love, but I've honestly detered from that in the last few years. It's a fantasy for me, it's something that I've imagined for so long and never experienced a great love. Even when i thought i was in love with someone, after i gave myself space to see it for what it was, none of that was love. People promise me the world, then take mine away with broken promises. So here's my double edged sword, do i let people just take away my world or do i do everything in my power to keep my world as it is no matter how lonely it is. I'm tired and just want to be held by someone who genuinely cares about me and the life I'm trying to make for myself. I want someone who longs for me, who wants me in their life and shows that to no end. I want to be loved the right way by the right person, i just have no idea how to find them when i don't go to bars, i don't drink, i literally just play video games and read and draw and sit in my room..I've even met people in my natural habitat at festivals & shows but even then time & time again people just show how they're not right for me and I'm not right for them. Because truly, who will want someone who will unleash elder scrolls & GoT lore at any moment, who would rather game than text you back, who would rather stay at home than go out on adventures, who would rather watch a series together than go out to a bar...This world is not my oyster, it's my own lonely prison I've made for myself that I'm too comfortable in.

Anyways thanks for coming to my Ted talk