hello there it's ten days since I disappeared. I got really ..

hello there it's ten days since I disappeared. I got really heavy days. My granny is having cancer in last stage and it is going very fast since I arrived back to hometown in Czechia. Thus last days I spent with full-time caretaking, as she is incapable to take care of herself in any way anymore. I feel grateful that I can be around her these days and give her all love and care I can. But same time those days were more challenging than I could imagine. and I usually do not underestimate situations. On friday granny got some flu and it seemed she will not survive till end of week. it was very challenging as physically as mentally for both of us. she was loosing consciousness in limbs and was falling and I am really bad with heavy-lifting with my 50kg of weight. I did not sleep as she needs every two hours on toilet even at night and she did not like to ask for help with anything. so I couldn't sleep for three days to maintain attentive to her unvoiced needs, before she try to do things on her own = to fall and hurt herself. It was so challenging to stay in centre and supportive and clear mind, as I am holding in arms family member I love most and who is emotionally broken and literally begging for death. it is so challenging to witness that and be part of that experience and stay clear, centred, loving and fully available and attentive. to not break down as she was doing, to bring her support and love in those harsh moments.... fortunately she got after weekend better and now she can even laugh and complain, which is good sign. also I am finally not alone on caretaking and whole family is helping. so finally I got now some space for myself - to sleep, to recharge my batteries, to feel myself and express everything I couldn't while I was holding space for granny. ... I crossed bit my boundaries with all my overtakecaring without having support or even available friends to talk to. ... so now I am experiencing burnout. .... its hard to express in few words how harsh this weekend was. even my hairs started to fall in distressing amounts ... so this is why I suddenly withdraw and disappeared without word. I think I still gonna need little bit more of time to recover. But I gonna try to post again from now on. Also got lot of lovely messages. some of them also with worries and care. I feel really grateful for them and will answer hopefully tomorrow. now I am desperate for good sleep. it is 2am here and my mind is not clear anymore. Good night and kisses. and thank you for being with me <3