Hey yall. So I wanted to let you all know what’s been going ..

Hey yall. So I wanted to let you all know what’s been going on with me and why I haven’t been answering anybody lately. You’ve all supported me in the way that I need most, so you deserve the truth.

Honestly, these past few months have been pretty hellish. It all started with a something… tragic happening in my personal life. It still haunts me every time I lay in bed and close my eyes. I want to forget about it. I want to just smile and laugh and be happy!! But… hugging my stuffies doesn’t help anymore. I feel a dark hole in my heart.

And then for a while I got better. I even decided to move out with a fellow co-star!! It happened out of nowhere!! She hit me up because her lease was ending, and I decided to commit to moving. I was at my lowest point. I didn’t see a way out and this opportunity happened out of nowhere.

I know it was stupid. I know I was being naive believing in hope for me. I just… I just wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I didn’t want to be so alone. I didn’t want to be stuck in the same place that I’ve always been. I wanted to do more. More than survive. Looking back, maybe I should’ve just said no and waited. Although, saying no is hard for me. Haha, what a stupid curse.

Anyways then the weather sank to freezing and I got intensely sick. Which meant that I couldn’t do anything but survive my season long fever pitch. And then I started feeling healthy again! But… another personal thing happened. Similar to the first. But at least this time I was able to navigate it. It still destroyed me and I cried a lot that night. I think all the stress from trying to get funds for moving, to planning it all, plus being finally warned on here, to the personal thing caused my immune system to tank, and I got severely sick again for another month.

I got better recently, just in time to haul all my things across the desert to my new place. My muscles are worn and torn and my mind is burnt out. I’m exhausted when I wake up. Because of how busy it’s been and how busy I am, I haven’t been doing my job. I know I should be. I’m not present on here and answering dms and shooting customs and editing videos and making new content. I’m not doing what I’m supposed to do. And I don’t even want to shoot because I’ve been gaining weight cuz I don’t have time to properly workout. I done even properly eat. I just keep sinking deeper and deeper into the night and I can’t escape it. This vicious cycle. I hate it. I hate this. I need to be stronger but I’m just not. I’m not living. I’m just surviving.

Anyways, this doesn’t excuse my incompetence and my absence here. It’s fully my fault and I know that. I just… I wanted you to know why this is happening. Why I’ve been gone. I’m doing my best to still be here and make some content and answer some messages at least.

Anyways I’m sorry. I’m not sure if it’ll all get better. If it doesn’t, I’m sorry. If it does, I’m still sorry. I’m sorry for not making you happy enough.

Please forgive me. 💔