I love to daydream, especially about love and perfect, mutua..
Added 2024-11-03 19:11:23 +0000 UTCI love to daydream, especially about love and perfect, mutual relationships. The archetypes of my “inner men” have always, in one way or another, embodied the dark lord figure. For the past few years, that has been Melkor—the primordial source of evil in the Lord of the Rings universe. I reveled in these fantasies, creating my OC in another world, with her full story, plot, and their relationship. It might have only been a fantasy, but the feelings were real. This went on year after year, saving me during the saddest and dullest times and amplifying my joy during the happier ones.
But a few days ago, I suddenly decided I wasn’t good enough for him. Not my character, but me. Not skilled enough, not beautiful enough, not smart or tactful enough. Just an empty shell. And if he somehow knew of my adoration, of my fantasies, he would laugh or feel a mix of awkwardness and disgust. That thought was small, yet it affected me so deeply that I fell out of love with him. My OC stayed with him, somewhere far away in a story. But I did not; my heart is now empty. I’m not sure how to explain it, but it feels as if my low self-esteem instinctively shields me from disappointment, even in situations where it makes no sense at all.
