I’m having breakfast, and for some reason, I feel this terri..
Added 2024-11-08 10:58:03 +0000 UTCI’m having breakfast, and for some reason, I feel this terrible weakness, as if I’m moving through milk. I find myself wondering if I’m an awful friend. I’m viciously jealous, and I openly wish all kinds of failure and misfortune upon friends who have anything better than I do. I even say this out loud—every one of my friends knows this about me. I only hold back with those who have less than me or about the same, but the second someone has even a slight edge, this deep, black envy ignites inside me. The only ones I don’t envy are those who have fought hard for what they have; with them, I feel only respect. I sincerely admire people who’ve put in long, honest effort to get where they are. Life has shown me that success is mostly a matter of circumstances aligning just right, and I’m deeply envious of the things that are simply out of my control.
And yet, my friends consider me genuinely kind and warm-hearted. I always try to help them and put real effort into it. If there’s any information that might be valuable to someone, I make sure they have it. In conversations, I frame things so that my friend feels I’m on their side, facing the problem together, rather than against them. I don’t let people down; if something changes with a commitment, I go out of my way to warn them in advance and to offer a reasonable alternative. Ironically, I used to go out of my way to flatter people, to try to appear more likeable or charming than I truly am. And for all that, I was utterly alone or surrounded by people I couldn’t trust with anything. Now, though, I have friends I would trust with my life. They love me, despite all the venom in me.
