So, here it is—attention, my fat belly! I promised in my las..

So, here it is—attention, my fat belly! I promised in my last post that no one would ever see it. But then I thought—this page is for me, and I’ll use it for myself, so why should I feel ashamed?

I wish I could say that I hate what I see and despise living with it every day. But that would be dishonest and exaggerated. I see a person with excess weight, maybe even first-degree obesity. I see the effects of a sedentary lifestyle and, even more so, the effects of cortisol.

I don’t hate or despise this person. If I saw these photos online, I’d probably stare at them for a while, thinking how beautiful this nymph is—a literal goddess—and then save them to my gallery to admire later. In the photos, it looks beautiful. On me? No.

A fat belly, fat legs, fat arms. An old, faded tattoo. Years of battling excess weight and a lifetime of EDs. Fasting and losing weight down to skin and bones with grueling daily workouts, a fleeting glimpse of happiness and fake beauty—only to gain it all back and become fat again within a couple of years. Hopelessness, but also personal growth.

Now I don’t have an ED—I’m in remission. I don’t binge until it hurts, I don’t purge, I don’t starve. I go to the gym. If I weigh myself, it’s only to adjust the fitness equipment. I buy pretty clothes in my size. I do my makeup. It seems like I’m beautiful, and I truly believe that.

But it’s just the surface. Underneath, I know how sad I feel. It’s sad to see folds, cellulite, a thick, flabby belly. It’s sad to see bitten-down nails, scars, and dark pigmentation in my groin from pulling out ingrown hairs. A wretched pig, a heap of folds.

I’m a liar. I’m pretending, trying to fool myself, but it’s not working. Maybe I really am just disgusting. I’m used to this feeling—it’s not sharp or shocking anymore. It’s just normal. It’s such a part of me that I barely even understand it anymore.

At least I managed to squeeze into these tiny thong panties—barely. Unfortunately, when I bought this set, only the tiniest size was left, but I bought them for the sake of the matching set 🥴.