Lately, I’ve been procrastinating horribly. I haven’t drawn ..

Lately, I’ve been procrastinating horribly. I haven’t drawn anything in a very long time. I compulsively check OnlyFans or YouTube or the first page of Google news, scrolling aimlessly or trying to talk to someone. I’m biting my nails like crazy. The only things I manage to do are household chores.

The smell of a dead mouse in my room hasn’t helped either—it’s where my favorite, most comfortable desk is, but the stench is unbearable there, so I can’t even play games. Though honestly, if I really wanted to, I’d just move my laptop to another room. But I don’t want to.

Now I’ve been hanging out in the guest room where there’s a TV. I spend the whole day watching live shows and educational YouTube videos, but I don’t really take anything in because I’m always on my phone, scrolling for something. And biting, biting my nails. Not good. I’ve also been eating a lot of sweets.

Honestly, I’ve been a little thrown off by the disappearance of those two fans I mentioned before. And I should probably make some kind of paid post, but I just don’t feel like it.

Today, I went into my grandparents’ house because I needed to grab something. My grandfather passed away this summer—he wasn’t a great person, and we weren’t close. Still, it was strange to see the imprint of his bed on the carpet, left behind after it was thrown out following his death. Then I entered my grandmother’s room—for the first time in many years. I wasn’t avoiding it; I just never had a reason to go in. She’s the one in the second photo.

She was the backbone of our family, the matriarch who oversaw everyone’s well-being, even distant relatives. She wasn’t a typical sweet grandmother; she was a prosecutor-grandma (literally). She passed away in 2011 after a long illness. She was kind-hearted, controlling and very reliable.

I remembered how, as kids, my brother and I used to play cards on the floor of her room. She and I always watched crime shows together, and she’d tell me about her own investigations, murders, and other cases. She could stand up for me against my mom. Every New Year’s, we celebrated at her house.

I have good memories of those times, even if I wasn’t particularly happy —I was allergic to almost everything, I already hated school —even though it wasn’t as bad yet—and I didn’t enjoy visiting my grandmother, let alone working on the family’s plot of land. Now, of course, I miss those days. My brother was still a normal, ordinary guy—my friend, funny and creative, not an arrogant idiot. And there was no constant internet or smartphones yet. Everything in our family was still relatively normal, and my dad wasn’t yet a drug addict.

Even back then, my family placed huge expectations on me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to meet them. But I played along, and everything seemed fine. University, adult life, deaths, and the madness of the older generations—all of that still felt so far away. It felt like everything would somehow work itself out when the time came. Or maybe I’d just die before then.

When my grandmother passed, everything broke apart. She would never have allowed everything that happened with my dad to unfold, and maybe my life would’ve gone in a completely different direction.

Even though we weren’t particularly close, as I get older, I miss her more and more. She had a very tough personality, but for some reason, I feel like she wouldn’t have judged me for all the problems I’ve had with universities after school. She definitely would’ve scolded me for OnlyFans, though.

But then again, if I felt happy, loved and wanted, I probably wouldn’t have ended up here in the first place.
While I was in that room, I even sat down on the floor and cried a little. Right in the same spot where we used to play cards.