Guys, I went to see The War of the Rohirrim, and oh my god, ..

Guys, I went to see The War of the Rohirrim, and oh my god, what a disaster. My brain has literally rotted. I was prepared for anything, but not this. You know Episodes 7, 8, and 9 of Star Wars? Now imagine that, but much, much worse—like, unimaginably worse. To recover my mental health, I had to drink cum and buy huge leopard-print panties.

So, I’m a huge Tolkien fan, and many of my fans are well-versed in his universe. For those who aren’t, here’s a quick rundown of the setup. There’s a land of horse breeders called Rohan. They have a king, Helm, and several clans whose leaders swear allegiance to the king. Helm has two sons and a daughter. The daughter, Hera, is our protagonist. Hera has a childhood friend, Wulf, who is also the son of a broody clan leader loyal to Helm. But then, a conflict arises, and Helm accidentally kills Wulf’s father (it’s very obvious it’s an accident). Wulf attacks Helm and gets permanently exiled. Naturally, Wulf is now consumed with revenge. That’s the setup.

Hera is a catastrophe. From the very first scenes, we’re told she’s “not like other girls.” Remember Rey Skywalker? Forget her. Hera is better. Hera is the best rider, the best warrior, the smartest, kindest, bravest, most merciful, inventive, inspiring person ever. She single-handedly kills a raging mumak (basically a giant, angry war elephant) by luring it into a swamp near the capital, where, conveniently, a kraken lives (like near Moria). She fights grown men twice her size without breaking a sweat, easily surviving their direct blows. She befriends giant eagles. She scales sheer ice-covered cliffs. The list of her brilliance and greatness is endless, and the film will shove it in your face every single minute. Every. Single. Minute.

Maybe she’s a huge, muscular warrior? Or a hardened wanderer with life and battle experience, like Aragorn? Or a seasoned commander who’s fought many battles, like Boromir? Nope, Hera transcends all those dumb, “masculine” traits. She’s a 13-year-old (or maybe 16? It’s unclear) skinny little girl with a baby face and noodle arms. Unlike everyone else, she doesn’t wear proper armor but a weird outfit straight out of Attack on Titan. She has ALL NATURAL fiery red hair. Oh, and enormous boobs and hips. Basically, the dream of every awkward 15-year-old boy with a permanent erection.

Her rival, Wulf, isn’t much better. He’s a moron and a psycho driven by impulsive decisions. He has no military or tactical genius, nor any charisma. How he managed to gather an army and lead them through a grueling winter siege is a mystery. His army consist of what are essentially bandits, who logically would have slit his throat at night and taken his gold. And why even mention that he and Hera were childhood friends? That detail is completely irrelevant and adds nothing to the plot. You could easily cut it, just like most of the movie. Wulf is just an angry idiot, and his childhood friendship with the perfect, amazing Hera has no bearing on his behavior.

Speaking of winter—the siege of Helm’s Deep happens in the cold, and they show that there are no supplies or firewood. And that’s it. Like, literally it. It has no impact on anything. There’s no depiction of human suffering, no riots, no betrayals due to hunger or desperation—nothing. There’s also a bizarre subplot about King Helm. He’s gravely injured and spends a long time sleeping and weak. Then he suddenly gets up, sneaks out of the fortress through a secret passage, and… defies gravity, half-naked, slaughtering enemy soldiers en masse in a blizzard. Also, he’s suddenly super ripped. What was that even about?

The characters in this movie are utterly pointless and forgettable. They fall into three categories:

1.You agree with Hera and support her, so you’re good.

2.You say something obviously stupid and illogical, so you do bad thing and upset Hera.

3.You’re evil and just want to do evil things, so you’re a villain.

There’s literally one character in the entire movie with any semblance of depth: Wulf’s right-hand man. He’s sort of a villain but not completely insane and supports reasonable governance over outright genocide. That’s it. One character with a personality in the whole film.

In conclusion, I highly recommend watching this movie. I went with Dasha, and we were dying of laughter every single minute. As a comedy, it’s fantastic. But if you’re a fan of The Lord of the Rings, just stick to the original trilogy. Of course, that doesn’t have the amazing, chosen one characters like Hera, but I think you’ll survive.