⚠️ **Warning long post…** ⚠️😵‍💫💘☣️ What porn stars don’t tal..

⚠️ **Warning long post…** ⚠️😵‍💫💘☣️ What porn stars don’t talk about: the psychic consequences of posting the naked body in the cyber world.

To be nude online is to attract viewers and unintentionally invite comments about the body. This can be amazingly liberating, and this can also backfire horribly.

There are some days that in terms of body image are like a hellish hell.

Some days it has the opposite effect, where the compliments I receive make me genuinely feel good. Overall it has been healing. My confidence has in the grand scheme actually improved a lot with OF. To be honest I never felt attractive to myself until I started doing sex work. My job heralded my sexual awakening and a healing from past SA traumas. Without a doubt, I love myself more: I’m glad to be doing this and I love bringing you my horny artistry. Still, like today, there are hellish days where I hate my body.

How to forgive? That can be the hardest part.

The first step for any problem is to admit you need help. And I do. I need a lot of help not hating myself. My dedicated team of therapists is pretty much essential to my survival.

There is simply not enough literature on body image issues in porn. They without a doubt exist but are invisible because we as performers do not want to ruin the illusion that we are anything less than perfect, confident, capable — the fantasy. Your fantasy.

While I am proud of my body (of work, that is) and confident that I’ve imprinted a unique signature into the world of obscure porn that dovetails with cinematic art, I cannot look at my past works without feeling disgusted at every fat fold, chubby angle, or squishy thigh.

This calls to a bigger picture of fat phobia in our society. It’s so wrong and obviously should not be that way, yet in people like me who grew up in the 2000s and 2010s when the too-thin aesthetic was in, it’s almost inevitable. The propaganda is deep in our brains.

I used to have a folder in my computer that contained my own version of porn — photographs of me at my thinnest, rib cage and hipbones jutting, no space for my internal organs, skin almost transparent, hair falling out. For a while I wished to look like that again. When I recovered I deleted that folder because I essentially used it to trigger myself. I don’t care about external thinspiration — what was special about this was that *I* did it. If I had applied the mental energy to being thin, to other avenues instead, I would be much more successful by now.

With therapy and spiritual guidance (yes I am into the “woo woo stuff”) I can hold together a healthy mindset for as long as possible. Women’s bodies are mysterious and weight naturally goes up and down depending on hormones, stress, etc and is even more variable in front of the camera, which as we all know adds pounds. I also tend to shoot myself from the even unflattering “mommy angle” aka from below, to look taller. I love the height it gives me, as I’m just a little over 5’ without heels, but as a stylistic choice it’s also a fattening one. I’ve also recently sustained an injury to my legs, which left me a little bit immobile and unable to exercise.

I always think of myself as sedentary and physically lazy, but this experience showed me just how much physicality and Manual labor goes into my job. I also walk a lot, even tho LA is not a walkable city. Not being able to perform my physical duties and being laid up on the couch these days made me feel sloppy, floppy, and uncomfortable.

Last year I was diagnosed with a painful stomach condition called gastroparesis which is literally a paralyses of the stomach nerves. With medication and medical visits I am a lot better now, and while it can’t be cured, I am successfully managing it. However, this also means that I have put on weight and I am distraught in a whole other way. I feel fatter because I am able to eat normally, healthily, and not feel pain when I do. Fat is a feeling and a state of mind. How horrible is that?

It’s obviously a turn off to talk about this, and a turnoff to talk about having low confidence.

It’s really never discussed in our culture but many people think porn stars and nsfw creators are always confident in (and even proud of) our bodies because we can publish them online for others to watch, gawk, judge. That the exhibitionism brings invincibility. Just because we do porn we’re immune to these body issues right? How I wish that were true. It’s strange because this issue is so complex.

As if intentional nudity brings an immunity to self esteem issues….I did not know what an innie or an outie was until I started posting on Reddit. Even women’s most intimate body parts- nipples, labia, asshole… are all subject to scrutiny. I learned a lot from posting online, both good and bad, all fascinating. What I found was that people who paid to have a subscription to me were generally courteous and respectful (cause why would you waste money to troll someone you don’t even like?) but the majority of viewers commenting online were entitled and despicable. Disgusting perverted men gawking and judging much younger women on their bodies. Online, these disgusting incel men have their pick of the litter when irl none of the ladies posting would give them a second look. The disgustingness is not in terms of appearance but in personality. They are sadistic. This is another reason why older women do not engage these sadistic men — they won’t take any of the bullshit that a younger women with less sense of boundaries would.

But ageism in porn is a whole other article. I will delve into it some time later. It’s not enough to simply be nude, youthful, attractive, before an audience; one must also be perfect. Quiet, submissive, not outspoken, not “extra”, not a hot mess, not depressed, not over the hill, not over weight (unless a milf or thicc fetish category). Everything in our contemporary society has to fit into appealing little categories and I hope that era gets untangled soon. I hope at the very least I can do something to dismantle this fixed system and create a grey area. There is no representation for the “in between” — not skinny, not fat, just average. And as much as I hate to be categorized as such, here I am, begrudgingly representing for the average, the normal, the messy, the ugly, the real. It was the worst when a while ago a fellow girl who I worked with wrote what she thought was my weight # was on one of her socials, and that just aggravated me on many many levels. Thank you for pushing me back into the closet. Thank you for the insecurity, you may as well have bashed my head in and called it a day.

“Insecurity is unattractive/ anxiety is not hot / depression is unsexy”… I hear that all the time. It damages my business. We’re supposed to conceal. My job is to be a fantasy, not a human. But I cannot with a clear conscience perform against myself and my boundaries. I cannot undo what I have already posted but I can reconsider my future and what my OF will look like. I have some cute videos that I’m sitting on but I’m not sure if I wanna release them yet. I will think about it. I want reassurance that I look good, and not just in my own delusion. There is a quote I forget attributed to whom, which goes “delusion is more necessary to our happiness than reality”. God damn is that ever true.

I do not want much from this world, all I really want is the reassurance that I am skinny and thin. Dainty. Delicate. A fragile, rickety Victorian doll. Admittedly it just makes me sad that I’m not seen as thin. I think if I had a constant stream of people telling me how skinny I was, I would probably float on cloud 9 in a happiness I’ve been so deprived of. On the other hand… If I was very fat and plus size and BBW I would have a moneymaker niche to exploit. Yes, I participate in this blatant hypocrisy as well. But the ordinariness of the middle ground is agony.

This is an ongoing topic. I have to step outside myself to dive deeper.

That’s enough for here and already too long and dark sided of a post on OF. Sorry about that. It’s not forever; thank god everything is temporary. I know I’m gonna get over this and feel like a sex goddess once more and resume posting nudes again and say hello from my little padded room and hope you continue to enjoy my content…

***I will expand on this thought soon for my Cyberhorny site, https://cyber-horny.com*** 💘

Like this post if you see it I guess so that I don’t feel stupid about posting it…. If you actually read through this whole shit, comment one of ur favorite animals. I’ll go first; 🦦.