Ugh sorry 🖤 warning: emo rant ahead. I don’t know what’s wro..

Ugh sorry 🖤 warning: emo rant ahead. I don’t know what’s wrong with me - I have completely lost my drive, my motivation, my will to engage..

Usually for ~Nastya Valentine’s Day I have a slightly more cheerful mood cause hey it’s me, it’s my day, but I feel unrelentingly bleak. The constant enduring of suffering and stress has taken such a deep toll on me that I’m not sure how to explain it beyond saying “I’m tired”.

I was told other day “get back on the horse” “get back on the hamster wheel” and tho it was meant well, to motivate me, it had the opposite effect. I realized that if the rest of my life is participation in this gameplay of capitalist bleakness, I don’t even see a purpose. I wish to transcend this feeling of giving up but it’s so difficult

All the “right things”: therapy, medication, meditation, exercise, healthy diet, close friendships and relationships, taking breaks, taking time where I work extra hard, walking outside, having a creative output … I do them but I still feel a numb suffering within. And about my creative output, I feel like it’s not enough, it’s never good enough, it’s always having to outdo the last thing, and on to the next and the next .. my work is suffering too, from a digital kind of burnout and depression - this has been the slowest year on here since I’ve started and while it’s not the end of the world, failure and success are cyclical, it adds to this compounded sense of depression and demoralization. People aren’t liking my posts or tipping as much as they used to. What am I doing wrong? I feel demotivated and like I’ve lost all confidence and belief in myself

Why even get out of bed in the morning? My cats are really what tethers me to this world, I love them so much. Still every day when I wake up I’m in the bleakest mood, feeling like nobody truly cares about me, my work efforts are not good enough, and my existence is meaningless

I’m lucky to love my job. To have a place to live, to have access to medical care, food, and clothes. I’m lucky to have my friends, my lover, my therapist, my business partner, and you all my online supporters. I’m grateful for many things and people in my life. But I wonder if gratitude is enough to outweigh the pain and the burden. Pain is not enough

My family has never been there for me and I’ve been independent since 18, and some ppl tell me how strong I am for doing everything on my own but over time it just gets exhausting and the strength becomes a weakness. Even the sleep paralysis I keep having has been in a way telling me I’m “stuck in place”

I’m sorry for the heavy text rant today. I realize it’s whiny and unsexy. It feels better writing it out but overall I’m still like 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫.. There are so many times when I’ve been at my breaking point, so many existential rock bottoms, ego-deaths, moments of clarity, dwellings on failure. Sometimes it’s easier but right now it’s like an insurmountable task to feel good. I’m going to try to rally and feel good about this Valentine’s Day season, but if I don’t end up making any content or capitalizing off of it in any way, just know that it’s because I’m exhausted and broken down and at a point where I need a break, and I will try to catch up on survival and making an income at a later time. It means a lot to me that you guys are here and supporting and enjoying my work, even if it is at times dark like this.. sorry again, I’ll make up for it by posting sexier things soon, thank you 🖤🖤

Love to you all ❤️❤️❤️