Hi, hello. I'm clambering back onto the wagon. My kitty was ..

Hi, hello. I'm clambering back onto the wagon. My kitty was out of commission the last 5 days, and at the same time I had one of the worst nights of my life... At first I thought I could handle it and use it as motivation to hold myself together and become better than ever for those who need me. That's still the plan, but right now? I am so incredibly lost and numb. And I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I splashed the ocean on my face, put holes in my body, made list after list of solutions. Because I can not accept the things so horrible in life that they are unfixable. I know I can make things better, but I can never undo them. And I can't handle that. Sometimes the worst thing that ever happens to us, is something happening to the ones we love. The ones we would do anything to protect. I can't even explain the situation until I've dealt with it all and have everything safe and settled, but in due time I will at least fill you in on the surface details and you will understand, and maybe it can even help heal your own human experience... That's all I can really hope for at this point. It's so bizarre to me because I was at this turning point of really having everything together, feeling well enough that I reopened a lot of myself and my connection to others that I'd long been closed off from to protect myself. Life said "You good? okay, now handle this". I just keep trying to tell myself that it's better I know now than before. At this point in my life I'm equipped to actually do something to help, whereas before it would've just been suffering and...well, helplessness. I don't know. This is for the handful here that care for my heart, thank you for reading, and I've got the goods for the rest of ya coming in my very next post.